The Pains of Peanut Butter
by PhoenixClaw
Summary: When Team Gai takes a vacation, things quickly get out of hand when Rock Lee finds himself pitted against a rather unusual opponent. Can the youthful green clad shinobi overcome this terror in the cupboard, or will he succumb to a most jarring experience?
1. A ninja mission!

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own the rights to Naruto, but the guy that does is doing one heck of a nice job.

This is my second Naruto fanfic, so I thought I'd give Humor a try. You'll have to make sure to tell me what you think. :)

Placement in the series didn't seem too important, so I'll say just some arbitrary point in time either before or long after Lee's battle with Gaara.

Regardless, I hope you enjoy my story, but above all, I hope it makes you laugh!

* * *

Golden rays of sunlight cascaded down upon a thick canopy of trees, creating dazzling displays of prismatic rainbows filtered through droplets of dew. The scent of cherry blossoms and lavender bushes were common this time of year, adding yet another layer of tranquility to the hospitable environment. Along a sheltered path worn deep by journeymen and livestock, four distinct individuals trudged onward towards an elusive goal. 

Gai-sensei drew in a hearty breath of fresh air.

"Ahh...nothing like a little rest and relaxation to help prepare for some tough practice sessions!"

An exuberant young ninja nodded his head accordingly.

"Sir! I look forward to this vacation as well as the harsh training that will follow!"

The Taijutsu specialist regarded his apprentice with a look of approval.

"That's the spirit, Lee! Keep up the good work!"

Rock Lee swelled with pride, and flashed both his teammates a patented Nice Guy pose. Tenten and Neji let out a mutual sigh. A disinterested baritone abruptly shattered the serene moment.

"Are we there yet?"

Two garishly oversized eyebrows twitched in irritation.

"Don't be so impatient, Neji! We'll get there soon."

A pair of hair buns bounced slightly in the midmorning shine.

"But _how_ soon, Gai-sensei? At this rate, we'll have to turn back just as we get there!"

Streaks of blinding light momentarily assaulted all three shinobi as several unruly sunbeams reflected off their sensei's glossy bowl-cut.

"Tenten! How many times must I tell you that we'll get there when we get there! The house we're looking for is very well hidden, and if we travel any faster than this, there's a chance I might miss the entrance! Now, I don't want to hear another word out of any of you! Understand?"

"Yes, Gai-sensei! We hear you loud and clear!" A pair of murmured replies accompanied Lee's booming response.

The trio of ninja quickly fell in line behind their Jounin guide. Such was the manner of things for several uneventful hours; it was only with the swift halt of Gai-sensei that words were once again released amidst the tranquil ambiance.

"Something's…not right."

Instantly, all three genin took positions of defense. Tenten held the rear with ranged weaponry, Rock Lee provided a strong center, and Neji took point as an early warning to impending attack.

Each held perfectly still, waiting for word from their teacher about the true nature of whatever imminent peril they now faced. Would it be rogue ninja? Perhaps this was a grand scale attack launched by a neighboring land! Or maybe…

The older man pivoted in a slow circle, taking in each precise aspect of the surrounding woodland area. Every chipmunk, leaf, and acorn passed beneath a scrutinizing eye nurtured by years of intense training and expertise. Nothing escaped his uncanny awareness of even the slightest superficial detail.

The normally brazen Jounin let out a low, ominous growl, signaling to the others that he had adequately summed up their current predicament. The three shinobi glanced over at their mentor with barely contained anticipation.

Gai-sensei swiped a knuckle across the bridge of his nose, and let loose a good-natured laugh.

"I have _no idea_ where we are!"

All three genin toppled to the ground. Lee was the first to recover.

"But, sir, how can that be? Surely you have this entire forest memorized!"

Maito Gai cast the quizzical ninja a sidelong glance.

"Yes, well…sometimes it's better to lose yourself in the moment rather than focus on the goal!"

The Jounin suddenly shot his arm out and assumed a stance of youthful exuberance.

"Let this be a lesson to all of you! Never let the pressures of everyday life overcome the simple joy of a refreshing hike through the woods!"

This was met with a starry-eyed look of wonder from the green clad boy.

"Your wisdom and perceptive judgment never cease to amaze me, Gai-sensei! It is an honor and privilege to call myself your pupil!"

The older man cast his Taijutsu prodigy a thumbs up, and both sensei and student finished their moment of male bonding with a dual Nice Guy pose directed at a wizened old oak tree.

Lee moved back to rejoin his teammates, once again allowing their mentor to lead them on. The youthful ninja could hardly contain his excitement at the lesson he had just learned, and thus regarded his colleagues with a child-like smile.

"Is Gai-sensei not the coolest?"

Tenten and Neji glanced at one another, then promptly sighed once more.

After backtracking three quarters of a mile, diligently fending off a family of enraged squirrels, and finally making the tactful decision to employ Neji's Byakugan, all four members of Team Gai eventually found themselves standing before a modest old cabin set deep in the forest proper.

Rivers of tears began to course down the cheeks of the Jounin.

"I can still remember when Kakashi and I first built this place as children… We stayed up for three days straight just to get it finished! All that hard work and dedication; the dull agony of _grueling_ labor…it was our finest accomplishment!"

An abrupt change in temperament replaced his explosion of heartfelt memories with a scathing frown.

"Come to think of it, _I_ did most of the hard work…and all the heavy labor!"

Flames of youth-filled rage erupted from the confines of a mind squeezed perhaps a bit too tight. Gai-sensei thrust an iron fist into the air, vowing to all the sticks and berries a sacred oath of divine retribution.

"Hatake Kakashi, you good for nothing slacker! There will come a day when you and I settle our old score once and for all!"

Two young shinobi tried to blend unnoticed into the background, while a third looked on with nothing less than zealous admiration.

"Well, let's at least see if Kakashi kept his end of the bargain and remembered to take care of the place…"

Without another word, the older man stomped his way up the small wooden steps and entered the rustic dwelling.

Staggering waves of musty pine, acrid wood smoke, and prehistoric mothballs erupted from the tiny structure. Each ninja made their way into a large, bare bones living space saturated with dust and debris. Two putrid windows cast a dull glow upon their bleak surroundings, and a single oblong table adorned what was probably supposed to be the kitchen.

A cockroach scurried across Tenten's foot, nearly causing the young woman to leap into the rafters.

"Isn't she _beautiful_! Oh, the memories…"

Before Gai-sensei could break down in tears once more, Neji's voice cut through the stale air.

"And just what exactly are we supposed to do now?"

Their teacher cast an affectionate glance around the room, then released a cleansing sigh.

"Heh, just go ahead and relax! We're staying here for the rest of the day, so make yourselves at home and have some fun!"

All three shinobi regarded their sensei wordlessly. Without a second thought, both Neji and Tenten headed straight for the door. Rock Lee was left staring wide-eyed at the fabled House of Gai.

"This is a most impressive construction, Gai-sensei! It is an honor to rest in a home you have built with your own two hands!"

The older man flashed his pupil a thumbs up.

"Thanks, Lee! Now, go out and have some fun!"

That was met with a look of trepidation from the boy.

"I…I would not know what to do, sir. I am simply not accustomed to 'having a good time', it would seem…"

As a lost expression began to settle upon the thick brows of Lee's countenance, Gai-sensei grinned wryly.

"Very well. What if I give you a simple mission to perform? Would you feel better then?"

The exuberant young ninja shot his head skyward, a look of fire set deep in his eyes.

"Sir! It would be my honor to perform a task for you!"

The Jounin took on a striking pose of youthful valor.

"All right! This is your assignment…are you ready?"

Lee stood at full attention. A single arm shot up in a heroic salute to the man standing before him.

"I am ready, Gai-sensei! What is it that you request of me?"

A long pause drifted back and forth between the two male shinobi, each trying to provide a stronger look of determination from which the other could draw upon.

"Your mission is…"

Rock Lee tensed visibly, eager to make his sensei proud.

"To make me a peanut butter sandwich!"

The young man nearly fell over; both shoulders slumped in dismay.

"A…s-sandwich? That is all you wish?"

Sheer wonderment and awe swiftly overwhelmed the man.

"_No_, not just any sandwich. A _peanut butter_ sandwich. Perhaps one of the most delicious meals to ever exist…"

Lee still didn't seem convinced. Gai-sensei only smiled.

"Unless you don't feel up to the challenge, of course…"

That did it.

The Taijutsu apprentice puffed his chest out to its full extent.

"Sir! I will not fail you! Consider your meal as good as prepared!"

A firm nod of support acknowledged the resolve in the young man's voice.

"Good to hear it, Lee! I'm going for a walk, so I expect everything to be ready when I get back. Got it?"

"Yes, sir! I will complete my mission within the allotted time!"

Both figures took on a look of ardent stoicism and saluted one another fervently. The older man promptly headed back outside, and soon vanished amidst the dense foliage.

Lee in turn approached the kitchenette and quickly began to rummage for the necessary provisions. Several moments later, he had managed to locate and exhume the key ingredient; a small jar of peanut butter now sat on the counter before him.

_It is time to prove myself! I will create the best tasting sandwich that Gai-sensei has ever eaten!_

Led on by the fundamental desire to earn respect from his teacher, a strong hand took hold of the item and twisted the top with an incredible upsurge of youthful power.

The lid wouldn't budge.

Lee took on a look of momentary shock before once again trying to attain his goal. To the young shinobi's utmost surprise, he was once again denied entry to the container's buttery innards.

Several valiant yet futile attempts later, the green clad ninja was left to stare vacantly at the befuddling object resting comfortably on the worn-out tabletop.

_What is going on here? I should not be faced with any difficulty in such a task! Have I not the strength to fulfill my mission? What if…no. I cannot let this obstacle stand in the way of establishing my worth! _

A look of unrivaled determination beset the young ninja's expressive countenance. He addressed the item with renewed purpose and vigor.

"I shall not be so easily discouraged by a simple jar! As a ninja of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, I vow to complete this task if it is the last thing that I do!"

With that earnest proclamation, all manner of attempts were made upon the small container's virtue.

Liberal soakings in warm water, diligent attempts to pry the lid off with a kunai blade, even several dizzying head butts were no match for the container's uncanny resilience. Punches, kicks, fervent prayer and a volley of insults made against one's manufacturing company all paled in comparison to the sheer force of will present in such a diminutive combatant.

Ultimately, all endeavors to get at the sticky substance concluded in failure.

By the time Lee had been reduced to rhythmically bashing his reluctant prize against a countertop, the young shinobi could feel cold tendrils of dread slowly choke off his tenacity for the task at hand. He curtly dropped the container on its side, and despondently slumped to his bottom against the leg of a table.

_This does not make sense! How is it that I am unable to complete such a simple undertaking…? It is an utter impossibility to allow such trivial matters as a jar of peanut butter to stand in the way of all that I have worked for!_

The young man could once again feel strength of will return to his heart.

_Such a thing as this shall be overcome! No matter what hardships I may endure, at no point will failure become an acceptable option! I simply cannot allow it!_

A great rush of youthful energy once again filled his entire being, and Lee abruptly jumped back up…only to drive his skull into the corner of the table directly above him. Sinking to the ground, the young man let out a sharp hiss of pain, which only enticed the jar of peanut butter to roll off its perch and bop him on the head.

He warily scrambled to his feet, eyes darting back and forth between his triumph-in-the-works and the rebellious piece of furniture.

With all the grace of a ninja unwilling to concede defeat, the small item soon found itself respectfully placed back upon the kitchen table.

Off to the side, a back door opened inward upon squeaky hinges, admitting one Hyuuga Neji unto the scene.

"Lee, have you seen Tenten?"

The shinobi in question quickly turned around, allowing the jar to ponder over its fate.

"I have not. Why do you wish to find her?" A grunt escaped the boy's lips.

"It's no concern of yours, but if you must know…I would seek some training."

The Taijutsu master's face spread out into a devilish grin.

"Training in the art of love, perhaps?"

An unyielding fist collided with his skull.

"Be quiet! I simply wished to see if she would-"

Neji cast Lee a harsh glare.

"Forget it. This discussion is a waste of time…"

He turned back towards the door.

Rock Lee gave his head a fierce shake, inadvertently dislodging an idea in the process.

"Neji, wait! Would you care to try your hand at solving a most perplexing puzzle? I have found it all but impossible to complete a task set forth by our most heroic and faultless sensei! I implore you to consider placing our rivalry aside and approach my unusual predicament with a sense of mutual determination and patience."

The stern shinobi cast his teammate a skeptical look, and then took a sweeping glance around the room. His haunting gaze returned to the boy in green.

"I see no trouble that requires my attention. If you wish to bore someone with simple puzzles and riddles, perhaps you should seek out Shikamaru instead."

As the young man once again turned to leave, a partially bandaged hand caught his forearm. Icy death seeped out from behind white washed eyes, causing Rock Lee to relinquish his hold almost immediately. He continued on in a hurried fashion.

"I speak of a quest to obtain the respect and favor of our master and teacher. It is of the utmost importance that I carry out this assignment before his return! If I do not live up to the expectations placed upon my unworthy shoulders, I fear I may never be able to show my face in public again!"

The Hyuuga prodigy stiffened slightly, his lavender eyes growing wider.

"Lee, if this is some poor attempt at a joke…"

"No, Neji. I do not present you with a humorous tale, but rather a terrible dilemma! I must complete this mission or else Gai-sensei will never place his trust in me again! I beg of you, my rival and my teammate, please overlook our past transgressions and help me to attain my objective!"

Neji drew in a deep breath through clenched teeth, followed soon by a dejected sigh. Several moments of heavy silence passed between the two genin.

"…What action would you have me perform?"

An illuminating grin enveloped Lee's features, providing a perfect compliment to his polished hairline. He reached behind and grasped the small item.

"Please open this vial of butter made from the extract of peanuts!"

A thin pair of lips bore the slightest hint of what could have been mistaken for a weak grin.

"…You're not serious."

"Yes, Neji, I most certainly am. You see, Gai-sensei has entrusted me with the preparation of his afternoon meal, and it is thus my sworn duty to carry out this task! If you'll excuse the pun, I seem to have found myself in a…sticky situation."

The harsh boy narrowed his pale eyes, and then nodded dolefully.

"Fine. I shall…see what I can do."

Neji regarded the plastic container in a nonchalant manner, firmly taking it in hand and fastening a secure grip. With an arrogant smirk set upon his face, he gave the small item a single forceful twist.

Nothing happened.

At this unexpected turn of events, a look of mild irritation overcame the branch house member. He took a single step backwards, leaving the container to rest on the tabletop, and brooded silently while pondering what course of action would best suit his intentions. The minuscule item soon found itself placed beneath an uncomfortable amount of fixated concentration.

A flurry of hand signs engulfed the space before Neji's chest, and the young man concluded with a look of absolute confidence.

"_Byakugan_!"

Endowed with the all-revealing powers of the Hyuuga clan's kekkai genkai, the boy in question felt mild ripples of agitation wash across his body.

_Something about the lid…but I…it's not like anything I've seen before…_

He let the jutsu dissipate, once again taking up the challenge of devising an effective means of conquering such a bothersome irritant.

_Bah. Whatever it is, I can handle it. Such a foolish waste of chakra…_

On a whim, the young man followed through with another silent bout of strained groans and fervent attempts to unseal the cursed little item. By the time he had conceded to gnawing on the lid, a large vein began to pulse ominously beneath his headband. He held the container out at arms length, regarding it suspiciously.

It was with a great upsurge of youthful gusto that Lee once again spoke up.

"Perhaps you might strike several chakra points in order to weaken its defenses!"

Neji cast his teammate an incredibly vexed look.

"Peanut butter doesn't _have_ chakra points, Lee…"

The shinobi in question cast a blank stare at the young Hyuuga. Instantly, his look of confusion became one of self-evidence, and he deployed an exuberant Nice Guy pose from point blank range.

"Of course it does not, Neji! I was merely testing to see if _you_ knew that as well! I am happy to say that you have passed!"

The green clad boy gave himself a mental pat on the back. His quick thinking had been no less than brilliant! Surely, not even Neji's genius intellect could unravel such a clever ploy!

"…Lee."

"Yes, Neji? Do you wish to further discuss the finer points of peanut butter and the chakra circulatory system?"

The pale-eyed youth felt both eyebrows involuntarily twitch, and provided his colleague with little more than a disgusted grunt before placing the jar back on the counter and turning to leave.

_Success! I have once again proven that brains may often overcome brawn! Gai-sensei would be so proud!_

A veritable waterfall of tears began to gush from the young man, and he quickly scrubbed his face dry.

_Now, onward to a well-ensured victory!_

Fueled by the youthful exuberance of Neji's recent exploits, Lee once again took up the duty of fulfilling his sacred mission.

He would make Gai-sensei proud. He would prove his worth to everyone that had ever doubted him. He would show what it meant to truly be a shinobi; to maintain and abide by one's own ninja way.

All great triumphs had to start somewhere, and his would begin by opening a jar of peanut butter.

Offset by a colossal grin, the green clad boy tossed his small victim into the air, unleashing a mighty kick upon its inherently defenseless nature.

In an instant, the miniscule item shot towards the opposite wall.

Underscored by the immense force placed into his attack, the young man was nevertheless horrified to see the diminutive container punch a neat hole straight into and through the partially rotted lumber.

A swift stab of apprehension immediately deflated his positive attitude.

Lee galloped over to the newly formed portal, gawking at the damage that had been caused by his impetuous actions. The young man poked a trembling hand through the cavernous injury.

He thought back to what his sensei had said earlier, reminiscing about the awe-inspiring tales that surrounded the House of Gai. A gaunt smile forced its way across the shinobi's lips.

"It…it is not so bad. Perhaps with a little craftsmanship, I might yet be able to-"

The entire section of wall abruptly collapsed in a ghastly heap of mold and grime.

Lee's jaw went slack, gaping silently at the empty slot where one quarter of the building had so recently been stationed. He could do little more than squeak out a stifled whimper against the tragedy that had just befallen his life.

Something else promptly made itself known to the young man.

Sitting quite comfortably several feet before him rested the elusive jar in all its boastful glory, basking silently in the mid-morning sunlight.

Slowly, very slowly, the boy's expression of continued horror twisted into a sinister snarl as several ill-tempered thoughts began to boil amidst a cauldron of hate and repugnance.

"You have damaged an irreplaceable heirloom…"

His fists began to clench and release, building upon the intense emotions that were suddenly coursing throughout his body.

"You have defaced a priceless jewel that might never regain its previous splendor…"

_Gai-sensei, excuse my impulsiveness, but I must avenge your honor... _

Lee took a single step forward, passing over the wreckage with a chivalrous bow of respect. The tiny container held its ground.

"I shall not stand idly by while my sensei is disrespected!"

_You once said not to use this technique unless someone precious to me is in danger…_

The green clad boy began to stare down the buttery concoction with a look of pure menace. It might have been the bump on the head from before, but Lee could have sworn he saw the jar cringe.

_I sincerely believe that condition has been met._

"Up to this point, our battle has been impartial…"

Satisfied that his confidence would see him through, the Taijutsu prodigy straightened up and took on a grave expression.

"This time, however…you have gone too far."

_Gai-sensai, _you_ are precious to me! For that reason, I cannot let you down!_

Lee brought both arms up from his sides, summoning all the rage and abhorrence one could muster for an inanimate object.

"Now it is personal!"

The young man undid several lengths of binding from both arms, assuming a no-nonsense pose of youthful determination. He regarded his opponent with all the respect due to one so skilled in battle.

"You have proven to be a most worthy adversary, but it is high time we resolve our differences! Upon my honor, this move shall mark the end of our fight!"

With his sacred oath firmly etched upon the heavens, Konaha's second-generation beautiful green beast bull-rushed the singularly unimpressed jar.

A devastating heel kick sent the small object rocketing skyward through the trees and towards the stratosphere. In an instant, Lee was right behind his prey, shooting though branches and leaves with neither hesitation nor restraint. Pine needles scraped past his eyes, and it was with a titanic display of insurmountable willpower that he ignored the blinding annoyance and centered on the task at hand.

Coils of white bandages snapped outward, snaking their way around the small item set just outside his reach. As the strips of cloth ensnared and held fast their target, Lee drew in the cloth package and fastened a death grip upon it.

Both boy and bundle dropped out of the sky in a spiraling display of unbridled potency and supreme youthfulness.

"This is the end for you! _Primary Lotus!_"

An immense pillar of dirt and debris billowed upward at their cataclysmic impact. Ripples of earth fanned out in all directions, paying homage to one of the most devastating techniques ever to grace the art of Taijutsu.

The young ninja was left kneeling off to the side, trying to recuperate from his draining endeavors. With painstaking leisure, vast clouds of dust finally began to settle; as did any false suppositions that this epic battle of wills would come to a close any time soon.

In the precise center of a craterous ground zero lay an oversized pinecone, shattered beyond any hope of semblance or repair.

A blank look of shock worked itself into astonishment. It took several moments for Lee's mind to pull alongside the reality of his newfound situation.

"But…but then…where did…?"

The young man began to scurry back and forth in a frantic attempt to locate the tiny monstrosity, all to no avail. As a passing afterthought, he craned his neck way back…just in time to halt the devastating plunge of a plastic missile with his face.

Lee crumpled to the ground, writhing in pain. With one hand plastered across his nose, he stared at the miniature tyrant through a haze of misery and tears.

The little demon regarded him with a look of apathy.

* * *

Wow, tough break. Who would have suspected peanut butter could put up such a fight? 

I hope you enjoyed Part 1! That's one heck of a jar of peanut butter, huh? Poor Lee and Neji… maybe Tenten will fare better.

And where the heck did Gai-sensei go, anyway? Oh well…


	2. Pain and Nachos!

I hope Part 1 was to your liking! With any luck, you'll get a real 'kick' out of Part 2 as well.

So, without further adieu, I present the epic conclusion to "The Pains of Peanut Butter".

Did I mention there's a bonus at the end of the story? Just a little something I thought might add to the humor…

* * *

Rock Lee held his head in shame and trudged back inside the dilapidated structure, jar of peanut butter once again in hand. He placed his better upon the countertop. 

Thoroughly beaten and exhausted, the famed Taijutsu master slumped down against a flimsy wall. Panting heavily, he barely had enough energy to acknowledge the door once again slide open to his right. A young woman clothed predominately in pink and black slipped through the doorway.

"Hiya Lee! What's up?"

The young man wearily acknowledged his friend with a nod of respect.

"Greetings, Tenten. I have been working diligently on making Gai-sensei his requested sandwich. Do you bring word of yet another task for me to perform?"

Tenten gave him a gentle smile, and then shook her head.

"Nah, there's nothing else. I was just kinda hungry, so I thought I'd- hey! Peanut butter!"

The youthful ninja nodded sagely, understanding quite well the situation in which his teammate would soon find herself. He let out a soft chuckle as she placed her hand on the lid.

"My dear friend and teammate, it is my utmost displeasure to inform you of the futility of your actions. For you see, I have been attempting that very task for many minutes now, and it is quite impos…si…ble…"

Before the final word even passed by his lips, Tenten had twisted the top off the small container and stuck a finger into the gooey substance.

With a quick flick of her wrist, the buttery material soon found itself plucked into the young woman's mouth. A look of disgust enveloped the kunoichi's face, and she stuck her tongue out in revulsion.

"_Eww_! This has peanuts in it! I _hate_ peanuts…"

A great huff escaped her petite frame, and she hastily screwed the top back on.

"Here, Lee, you can have it! Go make Gai-sensei his nasty ol' peanut butter sandwich!"

From a most humble position on the floor, Lee numbly reached up and accepted her offer. The boy's gaze flickered back and forth between the girl and the plastic jar.

"B-But, how did…I…you just…the Primary Lotus, and…N-Neji-"

At the mention of their Hyuuga counterpart, her cheeks began to glow a faint red.

"Hmm? What about Neji?"

The young man swallowed hard.

"We…the peanut butter…it wouldn't open, and…and then, you just…"

The young girl smirked.

"Is that what you two have been up to? Oh, Lee, let me tell you a little secret, ok?"

He nodded dumbly. Tenten kneeled down and took on a solemn look as she gazed deeply into her friend's…_unique_ features. Lee suddenly had a passionate look of fire blazing in his eyes.

This was it, the moment of true understanding!

Despite all the trials and hardships endured this fateful day, Tenten would now show him the error of his ways! Had it been incorrect form while in combat? Perhaps the precise timing of his attacks was in need of fine-tuning! Would she suggest a harsher training regiment for the next few years?

Maybe…maybe this had all been a test of his Taijutsu skills! Did this mean he had failed? Had he been unable to live up to the expectations set forth by Gai-sensei? Would he now be expelled from the village? How could he have been so careless! Was it possible a simple jar of peanut butter had been all that was necessary to ruin his life's dream…?

Regardless, the green clad boy would defer to the utmost wisdom and enlightenment he valued so highly in his teammate.

With all the youthful energy of a ninja still in his prime, Rock Lee inched forward imperceptibly, eager to absorb the astuteness and insight that only Tenten could impart upon him.

The young girl took on a deadly serious expression, causing the boy to gulp in nervous anticipation.

"Are you ready, Lee? What I'm about to tell you will forever change your outlook upon the world…"

He gave her an affirming nod.

"Please, Tenten, enlighten me as to the error of my ways."

A languid hush drifted idly between them. For many moments, both genin were enraptured in the peaceful tranquility of friendship articulated through absolute silence.

"Alright then…I'll tell you."

She sucked in a deep breath, and then exhaled reverently. The boy could almost feel the raw, unshakable power of whatever knowledge was about to be imparted upon him.

Without warning, a playful grin snapped across the kunoichi's features.

"Sometimes all you need in life is a woman's touch!"

His jaw nearly cracked the floorboards.

The young girl suddenly glanced over at the gaping void in which she was pretty sure a wall had once been.

"Wow…termites are really bad up here, huh?"

Tenten abruptly bounced to her feet, patted her friend affectionately on the head, and skipped out of the room, leaving a distraught and utterly humiliated Rock Lee in her wake.

Many seconds passed in mute contemplation. The youth stared down at the accursed little jar of evil for what seemed like an eternity. Then, as if a veil had been lifted from his eyes, the shinobi gradually took on a beaming smile.

_Tenten has opened it! That must mean I am now able to open it as well! Gai-sensei shall not be displeased by my failings! I will make him proud of me yet! _

A spontaneous waterfall of tears burst forth at the thought of a job well done, and his renewed sense of purpose quickly led him back to the task at hand.

The young man shot up from the ground, cuddling the small container as if it were his own child. A great surge of youthful energy filled Lee's entire being, and it was with the joy of a thousand battles that he cast a Nice Guy pose towards the four corners of the earth.

His enthusiasm spent, the bushy-browed boy instantly assembled a plate, one knife, and two perfectly sliced (albeit slightly moldy) pieces of bread.

The time had come.

He would complete this mission and prove once and for all that no challenge was too great, no obstacle too severe, and ultimately earn his place amongst the greatest ninja who had ever lived!

This would be the day upon which songs of triumph would be forever passed down in his memory. This would be the day that a certain pink-haired kunoichi would finally acknowledge his undying love once and for all. This would be the day that no other day could hope to match, a period of time so full of strength and valor that it would forever be remembered as the single greatest moment in Konaha's history!

The young man established a firm hold upon the small container, gritted his teeth, and turned the lid with an explosion of youthful might and courage.

It wouldn't budge.

Lee's right eyebrow twitched horridly, fell clean off his face, and promptly crawled away like a caterpillar.

"_This cannot be happening!"_

A tortured expression of dread and rage enveloped any remnants of discipline the Taijutsu master had once possessed.

_My nindo, my Way of the Ninja, is now at stake!_

He cast a scathing, maddened finger at his hateful little persecutor.

"I shall not be defeated by a simple condiment!"

With that utterance, something deep inside the youthful genin finally cracked. Lee scooped up his renegade eyebrow and, with a quick lick and stick, once again assumed a look of furrowed wrath.

Everything was falling apart! Gai-sensei would be back at any moment! This had to end quickly…but how? What, if anything, could…

Wait, of course! But, dare he try it? His master would be furious! Still…

Did he really have a choice?

_Gai-sensei, forgive me…but I must do this! A balanced and nutritional diet must come before all else in one's constant pursuit of youthfulness!_

Lee immediately assumed a rigorous fighting stance, heralding the destruction of his ultimate dietetic rival. It would all come down to this…

Rivulets of power began to course alongside the boy, creating a ferocious upsurge of unrivaled potential. Without warning, an immense aura of crackling blue chakra engulfed the young man. Engorged veins began to protrude from his skin, mapping out avenues of energy that were now coursing deep within his flesh. As torrents of oxygen-enriched blood began to pulse throughout Lee's body, a profound burgundy glow cast its shadowed light upon the normally upbeat ninja.

Two milky white eyes latched onto the epicenter of so much righteous fury.

"It is now…or never! The third gate…Gate of Life…_open_!"

The poor jar never saw it coming.

Devastating blows began to rain down upon the plastic container, causing both figures to ricochet around the fantastically lackluster hovel without any consideration for the frail bundle of logs Gai-sensei had earlier called a house.

As the very groundwork began to creak and groan beneath such an onslaught, it was all too clear this would be a fight to the death. When the two combatants found themselves evenly matched, it was only a matter of time before one inevitably made a fatal mistake.

"You shall not get off so easily! The fourth gate…Gate of Pain…_open_!"

Both adversaries met head-to-lid at the very center of their three-walled battlefield. The green clad boy cast his opponent a feral grin before suddenly ducking beneath the sweeping arc of a battle-hardened trajectory.

Years later, the young man would still swear upon all things youthful that the jar had at that moment released a horrified gasp.

"_Leaf Hurricane!"_

Led on by the business end of Lee's foot, the small item blasted straight through the roof, generating yet another exquisite blemish upon the sacred landmark swept beneath the ravages of time.

Both figures shot upward through the sky, and it was with a great rush of youthful vigor that the Taijutsu master struck hard and fast before his opponent could once again elude its lot in life.

Lee reached out and fashioned an iron grip upon his quarry. The container withered beneath its captor's harsh glare.

"Do not deny your fate! It has been preordained that you would supply sustenance for my sensei this day! I shall now be the one to see it through!"

With that, his soon-to-be-conquest found itself launched towards the earth below. Any fleeting notions of mercy were quickly eradicated by a passionate bloodlust for peanut butter.

"The fifth gate…Gate of Closing…_open_!"

A living weapon comprised of flesh and bone immediately committed itself to the task at hand.

"This shall conclude our battle once and for all! _HIDDEN LOTUS!_"

Imbued with the untold power of youth, a lethal duet of fist and heel drove themselves deep into the well-fortified defenses of the enemy. For the second time that day, both boy and jar embraced the land amidst an apocalyptic upheaval of unparalleled proportions. Support beams and floor joists screeched in protest against the unwarranted action taken against them.

The sheer animosity of the impact easily blew apart any feeble remainders of the dwelling. Walls crumpled to dust before the immense energy flow, and soon enough, little more than a vast heap of smoldering wreckage was left of the former House That Youth Had Built.

Great wisps of pulverized flooring lazily floated across the arena, clearly hesitant to reveal the ultimate truth of man versus food. Eventually, the force of gravity took its expected toll and began to clear away the obscuring cloud of decimated woodchips.

Dead center amidst the anarchy and slaughter stood a testament to all that had transpired throughout the day.

Where once existed a decrepit wooden living quarters now stood a gigantic cushiony depression in the rotten floor. Smack dab in the middle rested the jar on its side and Lee balanced precariously atop it, both figures still in the same positions they had assumed upon impact.

The boy, now returned to his original state, regarded his adversary warily. At this point, both combatants had reached their limit, and it was with a startling awareness that the next move would decide the outcome. If he were to fall now, defeat would be inevitable!

Perched atop the container of buttery carnage, Lee realized even the slightest flicker of motion would lead to certain disaster. It had become a test of mental and physical endurance! Surely, his adversary could not keep up this level of tenacity forever…

In the meantime, any chance of continued survival rested upon his supreme and absolute muscle control. Such a thing would be most difficult indeed, but his months upon months of practice with Gai-sensei would certainly not let him down! If it was youth that was needed, then it was youth he would give!

Controlled and deliberate breathing, intense inner focus, even a regulated heartbeat would need to be precisely timed and orchestrated so as to maintain a calm and structured equilibrium. It could be days, even weeks before his opponent cracked under the strain! Still, the sheer concentration needed to maintain such a state would be formidable, even for him…

Why, even the slightest, most insignificant whisper of movement could-

The entire foundation of the house lurched to the side.

As the small jar took off in one direction, Lee was unceremoniously thrown in the other. A sloppy tuck and roll brought the young man back to his knees, albeit barely. Just as both combatants began to regain their footing, the remaining support beams buckled, allowing the fragmented flooring to level out once again.

Utilizing the terrain to its advantage, the tiny container rolled back down the embankment and towards the weakened ninja. Without conscious thought, Lee immediately put everything he had into hurdling out of its doom-filled embrace…

-

Just at that moment, Maito Gai turned onto the path leading back to his ancient house, several large and garish welts now decorating various parts of his body.

The Jounin prodded at a particularly tender scrape on the jaw, wincing in pain. It had just been one of those days, he guessed…

Since when was it so bad to go for a simple walk in the woods, anyway? So what if he happened to remember a certain women's bathhouse located a short stroll down the road. It wasn't like he had _intentionally_ seen them changing in the locker room! Honestly, he had scurried right out of there the instant it became clear what was going on. How was he to guess that his subsequent hiding pla- err, _resting spot_ would be the precise location they would all head to next? Those giant red arrows could've been for anything!

And if he just _happened_ to be passing through at the exact moment they had all decided to remove their towels, how was that his fault?

Sure, he _had_ been standing on the ceiling at the time.

Well, more like crouching inside a recessed light fixture while trying to stop a nosebleed.

It might have also been a good idea to wear more than just his terrific smile…

But that still didn't make it _his_ fault! If they didn't want anyone sneaking into their sauna, then there should've been more warnings! Honestly, who goes to take a bath with a measly seventeen S-ranked seals on the door and a handful of easily subdued attack dogs?

The older man let out a dejected sigh. He would never understand women…

Still rubbing his sore everything, Gai-sensei abruptly had his attention diverted to the earthen basin at his feet.

"By all things youthful…"

There before him sat a massive crater in the forest, still exuding faint tendrils of dust amidst the delicate breeze.

To the eyes of a trained ninja, the events leading up to this peculiarity were all too clear.

The sheer absence of any prominent signs of struggle nullified the use of Ninjutsu and Genjutsu; only a Taijutsu master could have eliminated their foe in such a swift and merciless fashion. Furthermore, the distinct counterclockwise swirl of underbrush was in direct proportion to that created by the Primary Lotus, a technique favored only by Rock Lee and himself. This information, juxtaposed with the diameter of said crater as well as its relative depth all indicated a Taijutsu user of approximately five feet in height and slightly over one hundred pounds, therefore narrowing the field to only one individual.

Thus, the conclusion was obvious.

"Kakashi! I didn't know you had an in-ground pool installed!"

Seconds later, the true implications of such an act could not have been more apparent to the bushy browed man.

Gai-sensei once again pumped a steel-clad fist into the air, proclaiming to all the dirt and trees a hallowed declaration of heavenly reproach.

"Hatake Kakashi, you good for nothing _lecher_! How dare you invite dozens of scantly clad women to partake in a morally corrupt and completely inappropriate show of unbounded youthfulness!"

The Jounin could maintain his look of stoicism for only so long before bursting into tears.

"Without including _me_!"

Still sobbing pitifully, Maito Gai continued along his prescribed path with little more self-awareness than a misguided sense of lost opportunity.

The older man had just finished brushing away a few stray tears when he passed through the charred remains of a doorway. Unfortunately, there was precious little time to ponder over that anomaly before setting his eyes upon the travesty that was Rock Lee.

Smack dab in the middle of the room rested his student, spread eagle, with a small jar of peanut butter squatting triumphantly upon his chest.

Evidently, the young shinobi had driven his head right into the edge of a kitchen table that had somehow miraculously survived the terrible onslaught subjected to the rest of the house.

Wait a minute.

Charred remains…miraculously survived…terrible onslaught...?

A myriad of thoughts and emotions rushed through the Jounin's mind. He let his gaze slide across the barren wasteland seemingly for the very first time.

All the youth drained right out of his face.

"Lee! What in the world happened here?"

A pause.

"And where's my sandwich!"

The young man sat bolt upright at his sensei's voice, inadvertently sending the tiny jar to spin end over end towards his master. Horror-stricken, the green clad boy flailed his arms wildly in the air.

"Gai-sensei! Watch out! The jar is inhuman!"

Raising an oversized eyebrow, Gai regarded the small rolling cylinder with mild skepticism before passively catching it beneath his foot.

He glanced over at his protégée with a doubtful look.

"What's the meaning of this, Lee? What happened here!"

The Taijutsu apprentice regarded his sensei with an abashed expression.

"I…Gai-sensei, please forgive me…but, you see…everything just…"

Great swells of tears began to rise beneath a pair of bushy brows, and the boy was left with nothing else but to appeal to the man's compassion and mercy. With what little energy he had left, the youth threw himself forward and wrapped both arms around his sensei's ankles.

"Sir! I was unable to complete the task you had assigned me!"

The Jounin cast his student a surprised look, which only persuaded Lee to hurry on with his explanation.

"I tried so very hard, Gai-sensei! Punches and kicks had no effect, and at one time I even lowered myself to the dishonorable act of insulting one's opponent! I am so very ashamed!"

Despite hearing such a youthful explanation from his prized student, it still did not measure up to the much more important task of getting a sandwich into his belly. A disinterested tone began to push its way into the Jounin's voice.

"That's all well and good, Lee, but what about the…"

"-then Neji came in and tried his hand at my assigned task, but he was unable to proceed either, so I-"

"Yes, yes, but the sandwich. Were you at least able to…"

"-so I used Primary Lotus, but that was also not enough! Please don't be angry, Gai-sensei! I never meant to disobey your wishes! I just felt that your meal should come first and-"

"That's terrific, Lee, but all I really want to know is-"

"-the pain was unbearable! Right in the face, Gai-sensei! I knew at that point it was a matter of honor, and that it was impossible for me to concede defeat to one such as-"

A deepening frown readily made itself apparent upon the older man.

"Alright, Lee, I understand! We'll just make something else for-"

"-but then Tenten came in and said she was hungry and _I_ said it was impossible to open the jar but then she did and I was so confused that-"

A glossy sheen of hair offset the burning twitch of an oversized eyebrow.

"Darn it, Lee! Would you just-"

"-and then it just spun right off! She doesn't even _like_ peanuts! Can you imagine such a thing? I have never been so humiliated in all my-"

The older man threw his arm back for a youth-filled punch.

"-that I ever wanted was to impress the cherry blossom of my heart! Where did I-"

"Lee! That's _enough_!"

A titanic blow to the head sent Rock Lee skittering across the floorboards, only to slump upside down against a pile of rubble.

Terrible waves of guilt immediately overwhelmed the older shinobi, and it was with a remarkable testament to his will that the green clad boy hauled himself once again to his feet.

"I'm so sorry, Lee…I should never have…"

"No, Gai-sensei. I...I just wanted to make you proud…"

Without further adieu, the springtime of youth quickly began to overflow as both figures promptly burst into tears.

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"_Lee!"_

"_Gai-sensei!"_

Both men gravitated into a mutual heartfelt embrace. By some inexplicable force of irony, a small mosaic postcard flittered down from high above, depicting scenic views of waves crashing upon rocky beaches all across the world.

"Lee…it's going to be alright…you don't have to worry about anything any longer…"

"Gai-sensei…thank you for understanding, and…I am sorry for destroying your home with the Hidden Lotus…"

Lee found himself snapped back to arms length in an instant.

"You did this? With the Hidden Lotus? I thought the whole place just collapsed on its own!"

A look of absolute shock quickly enveloped Lee's features.

"Then…you are not upset?"

Gai-sensei regarded the ninja blankly, and then let loose a boisterous laugh.

"Nah, I never really liked this place anyway! It always used to reek of that cheap hair gel Kakashi uses…"

The older man nudged the small jar on the floor.

"Well, I suppose I could pass on having a peanut butter sandwich today. Let's make some nachos instead! Waddaya say, Lee?"

All the strain and hardship drained right out of the boy at the promise of Maito Gai's world-renowned cooking.

"Sir! Making nachos is a wonderful idea! I will help you prepare them immediately!"

"Heh, don't worry about it. I've got this one covered! You just go out and find Tenten and Neji so we can all eat together, ok?"

"Yes, Gai-sensei! I will find them post haste!"

Before he gallivanted off to complete his newest mission, the youthful genin regarded his sensei curiously.

"Umm…Gai-sensei, what happened to your face?"

Maito Gai paled noticeably at the reminder of his recent exploits, wondering how best to explain his…misadventures…to a thirteen-year-old boy. He decided to be direct as possible. No need hiding the truth any longer about the ways of the world.

"A chipmunk did it! You should have seen the fangs on him, Lee! I barely held it back, but in the end, it was no match for your sensei!"

Well, a few more years couldn't hurt…

"Sir! You are truly the best and coolest ninja in all of Konaha! I am forever humbled to be your student! Thank you for finding the time to train one so undeserving as myself!"

And with that, the green clad boy blissfully forgot all his previous ordeals as he skipped out into the woods in search of his teammates.

The Jounin, now alone with his earlier ambition, scooped up the small object and regarded it suspiciously.

_Lee wasn't able to open this? And neither was Neji? What's going on here…_

He smacked himself on the forehead.

Of course! The sealing jutsu! How many years had it been since he had gone and made sure Kakashi would stop stealing his precious peanut butter once and for all! The petty bickering with his Eternal Rival, all those contests to see who was better, and finally, that priceless look in Kakashi's eye when he could no longer open the jar…

Those were the days.

_Oh Kakashi, you never could stand watching me enjoy a good sandwich, could you? When I had the Hokage make sure no man could ever open this jar of peanut butter again, it looks like I had the last laugh after all! _

And as for the likes of Tenten, well, it never occurred to him that he might someday actually have a woman in the house…

_Now for a bit of sweet revenge._

Still grinning, the Jounin gripped his prized delicacy in a firm grip and twisted the lid.

It. Wouldn't. Open.

Gai's flawless smile quickly devolved into a stupefied grimace.

"What in…but the seal…my peanut butter…how can this…?"

And then, nearly ten years after the deed had been done, it finally dawned on him why, from that point on, his life had been suspiciously devoid of tasty sandwiches.

He was of the male variety too...

A glistening fist of youthful pride shot into the air, announcing a resolute promise of ageless competition to all the various woodland creatures.

"Hatake Kakashi! You good for nothing cheater! I'll have my revenge someday! Just you wait! _I'll have my revenge!_"

With that, a terrible vision of rage overcame the shinobi's features as he sent the small jar sailing out of his vicinity with a chakra-imbued kick.

As the oversized bullet passed by an indeterminate boundary of the house, a sickening _THWACK_ abruptly echoed throughout the surrounding area. Immediately, the older man leapt over to see what had transpired.

Huddled in a small puddle of peanut butter was Lee, sprawled out on the ground, sporting a fresh welt on the side of his skull. Off to the side lay the tiny jar filled with so much buttery torment, the lid rolling off lazily into the wilderness…

Maito Gai blinked in surprise, and then flashed his unconscious student an exuberant thumbs up.

"That's using your head, Lee!"

A wet gurgle was all the response offered by the now comatose boy.

Pleased to see his apprentice already back to his normal high-spirited self, Gai-sensei set his sights back on the task at hand. Returning to where the kitchen used to be, he coaxed a bag of chips out from beneath the cupboards.

_Well, at least that's over. Guess I'll have a light snack before going out for another refreshing hike through the woods…_

The older man took hold of the packaging, gritted his teeth in anticipation of the delicious meal he would soon be enjoying, and tore at the sides with a ferocious upsurge of youthful delight.

The bag refused to open.

Gai-sensei considered his situation carefully.

_Hmm. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to retaliate by stealing those nachos from Kakashi's private stash all those years ago…_

* * *

So, what'd ya think? 

The ultimate goal was to make you laugh, so you'll have to let me know if I managed to do that! LoL, even if you didn't, I still hope you had a good time reading it. Guess I should also mention my first fanfic in Naruto was a Romance, so if you think you'd be interested, go take a look at my profile! The goal of that piece was to make you cry...

Oh, yes! I almost forgot! There is actually a bonus for reading my story! It turns out that I had an assignment in Creative Writing about personification, so what better thing to do than write a poem about an evil jar of peanut butter loosely based on Rock Lee's exploits?

I figured there's not too many things more random than adding poetry into a Humor fanfic, so I hope you get a kick out of this as well! Enjoy!

-

_Ode to Peanut Butter _

Ye who tries to hold back fate;

A burden like no other.

That which I proclaim to hate:

Thine name is 'peanut butter'.

-

The lid, the top what might you be?

We both know all the lies.

A truth I'd like to make you see.

Why can't thee sympathize?

-

But now I find the truth be known!

That no amount of turn or twist

Will quench a doubt of mealtime missed

By way of which you simply won't condone.

-

I beg and plead and pray a creed

So we may strike a deal.

Just offer me a spoonful three

That I might craft this meal.

-

All my thoughts and all your dreams

Are naught compared to what it means

To have my luncheon, half past two.

My knife, my plate, my hat to you.

-

But here we are while I abide to pour a caustic border

Between the thread and lid of which was fastened quite so spitely.

What's this? I see my error be a lack of proper order!

'Twas my own elementary discount of 'righty tighty'.

-

And off it comes, hooray! I may partake of its rich filling.

The joys which I did hardly know before the want for killing…

How merry I now find the push to quell my tired belly;

Thus all that's left to do is find that damning jar of jelly!

-

Yep, ok, I'm done. Don't forget to leave a review if you feel so inclined! I'd really appreciate it!


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